At times the emotions are raw and very visible. Other times I can talk about our trials without any emotion, matter of factly. Today is not one of those days. Today is the day I share my story. I have felt like God has asked me to share my story. I’m not sure why, but His ways are higher than mine.
When people sympathize with me or show compassion, it breaks open those emotions again. I hear and read over and over again that I need to grieve my loss. I feel like I have, yet those emotions are still raw.
My story really begins in 2009. I met my husband. A friend asked me if I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. Really she tricked me into it, but I agreed with scepticism. He says he knew right away. I was really unsure. I mean, do I, a Broncos fan, want to be marrying a Chiefs fan. They are the enemy. It took me a couple months to come around. We married in 2010. We decided we wanted to be married a year before we start having kids. Summer of 2011, we were excited to tell close family that we were expecting.
Things that have come far more easily for others seem to come more slowly and difficult for me. I mean, after all, I hadn’t gotten married until I was 34. I thought getting pregnant would be much harder than it was. Apparently, that’s not where my difficulty would lie. At 10 weeks of pregnancy, we lost our baby. We were hit hard by it. Our excitement was dashed by grief. No one around us really knew how to comfort us. But I greatly appreciate that they supported us.
After an ultrasound and talking with doctors, I was told to try again. So after feeling like my body had healed, we did just that. And soon I was pregnant again. We had just moved into a new house and were excited that we had more room for a family. I would be starting my second trimester on Valentines Day, and I was excited to tell everyone of our gift. However, my doctor’s appointment on that day turned into grief once more. I learned I was miscarrying this pregnancy as well. I was angry that this news was coming to me on a day that was suppose to celebrate love. I didn’t want the day to be a day of grief for me. This miscarriage was much harder on my body. It took much longer for me to recover, and some things happened that just made it worse like a sewer line clog and a difficult landlord. And since I had technically made it to the second trimester, I was so much more heart broken because I was at the place that we could tell people I was pregnant.
After another ultrasound and talking with doctors, we learned I had a fibroid on the outside of my uterus. But this shouldn’t pose a problem, and we should try again when I was ready. But this time with medication as soon as I knew I was pregnant. It was seven months before I got pregnant again. This time around I did a lot of resting and taking some horrible medicine. It wasn’t long before I miscarried again. Since I wasn’t too far long this time it wasn’t as rough on my body and knowing what to expect helped a lot. But still lots of grieving and family supporting us. Although I did better emotionally if people treated me normally.
With this miscarriage, we didn’t do an ultrasound. But I did switch doctors. I went in for a series of blood tests. And let me say miscarriages come with a lot of blood work. I am thankful I am not afraid of needles. I, in fact, can tell the person taking my blood exactly which arm, which vein and how to do it. And I became friends with Cathy the phlebotomist. I was there once a week for quite a while. I also had other tests run that were horrible. Tests I wish upon no one.
It seems that that fibroid that was on the outside of my uterus was really inside, outside and in the wall of, and there was more than one fibroid. And this might be the cause of the problem. But we wouldn’t be sure until I was pregnant again. Holy moly, could I go through this again? Could I physically and emotionally handle another miscarriage, if it would result in that? I guess I would find out. And I know that where I don’t have strength, God does. This time we didn’t wait long to try again. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I was scheduled for an ultrasound and more icky medicine. With all the pregnancies, I knew at 4 weeks I was pregnant. And with this pregnancy at 5 weeks, I was miscarrying. This was actually some relief to me because I only had one week to wonder, and it was so much easier physically. I was so thankful that my doctor’s nurse was my friend. She was so good to me. She would take me through the back way so I didn’t have to face all those women in the waiting rooms. She didn’t freak out over my high blood pressure in the middle of the miscarriage. Of course my blood pressure was up. I was losing a baby! And she prayed for me. However, it may have been the worst emotionally.
After a few complications with this miscarriage and all the tests had been done, we were left with a decision. Do we want biological kids or not? Our answer was yes, but there are so many other decisions to be made if our answer is yes. And while we are still in the middle answering these questions, I am choosing to rest. Rest in the comfort God gives. Rest in God’s timing. Rest my body. Just rest.
I have read many articles people have written about infertility. And while they give me comfort knowing we are not alone, they also stir up those raw emotions. I read a story a while back about a woman with cancer. She was a rather young woman. A piece of her story stuck out to me. She was asked how she wanted people to treat her. She asked friends and family not to grieve until she was gone. She wanted them to live with her while she was alive. She wanted them to treat her like they had before she was diagnosed. And so I ask you to treat me like someone who is not grieving. I don’t do well with sympathy. It forces those raw emotions to the surface. After more than two years of crying, I want to live and celebrate life.
This past year has been a year of learning to celebrate life with others when they are getting what I am losing. God took me through a year of many friends having babies. Lots and lots of babies. 31 to be exact. 30 of my friends had babies! 30! At first, I was excited for them. One was a friend that had struggled to have babies and had twins. What a celebration! Another friend had also gone through a miscarriage and now was having a baby. Another was adopting a baby after going through two miscarriages. I was so happy for them. But as they began adding up, I realized this was only by God’s hand that there would be 31 babies. He wanted to teach me something. There were times it would hurt, but by the end of the year I learned to celebrate new life with them. 2014 so far is shaping up to be another year of lots of babies. So far 12 babies are expected this year. And I’m excited for each family. And I even get to host a baby shower for one of those women. And I really am excited.
While I continue in my journey, I pray that God will fill in where your strength lacks in whatever trial you are going through and that His love will overflow in your life.
And if I could ask a favor, could you please pray for one family in particular. They lost a baby very late in the pregnancy with their first baby. They were surprised by this pregnancy and are anxious, as we all would be. Please pray for a healthy happy baby and peace through the pregnancy. The baby is due in May.
Why not join us on Pinterest: Coffee With Us 3 or hangout with us on Facebook:
Check out our link parties.